'I'm so full of anger,' Serena told me. 'I really feel I need to let it out.'
But letting rip, studies find, makes you more angry and aggressive, not less. It becomes a habit, making it more likely you'll give way to anger next time. From small explosions about big things, people who never control or calm their anger tend to progress to big explosions about little things.
However, the good news is that there isn't a pressure cooker full of anger in your brain, needing to be let out. Things don't work like that. Instead, there are tendencies, stresses, habits and triggers ... and you can succeed in changing these with practice and perseverance. First, however, if anger is a problem for you, you need to realise this. It's not always obvious ...
Exploding with fury can be scary and dangerous. So many people express their anger in hidden roundabout ways, living in a state of masked annoyance and hostility. If this is you, you may well feel YOU never let anger rule you ... yet those around you will see things differently. And they'll be right! Classic hidden anger signs include:
o Destructive criticism, faultfinding and nitpicking. You can tell yourself this is justified: 'It's for your own good,' 'Someone needs to see that things are done right,' 'Someone has to tell you ...' 'You need to know where you're going wrong.' But you can be sure others sense your underlying hostility!
o Sarcasm and hostile wit is a classic bully tactic. Sinking your verbal teeth into someone has the advantage of letting you say, innocently, 'Oh, can't you take a joke?' 'You always take things the wrong way,' or, 'You're far too sensitive,' if someone objects to your backbiting or tries to draw attention to the hidden anger which fuels it.
o Being a victim. Victims are just waiting to be treated badly and taken advantage of. They feel helpless so don't take responsibility for what happens to them. Their anger at life is expressed in making others feel useless and guilty, as they resist everyone's attempts to help them or cheer them up --'Yes, but ...' Some sulk, gloomily enjoying the power and attention as people run around trying to soothe them.
o Passive-aggression. You smile sweetly, while inwardly resentful. You don't want to cooperate, but you don't dare say so. So you're 'tired'. You 'can't understand.' You forget, you're late, you're clumsy, you make mistakes. Procrastination is a great way of expressing passive-aggression ... you don't refuse to do something, you just never get round to it.
Controlling anger
These ways of being angry DON'T GET THINGS DONE. They don't effectively change or accomplish things. They just muddy the waters and damage your health and your relationships. Yet anger can be a powerful motivator, a positive force for good -- IF you learn to make it your servant, not your master. Here are 10 tried-and-tested tips:
o Ask yourself: 'What do I want to achieve?' when you feel that clutch of rage at your chest.
o Avoid. Can maddening situations be avoided? Is there a way round the traffic jam, do you HAVE to look at your teenager's dreadful bedroom, could someone else deal with that infuriating colleague?
o Recognise past triggers. One minute you're coping. The next, 'out of the blue', you've lost it. Later, you'll say, 'I don't know what came over me,' 'I wasn't myself.' And in a sense you weren't ... because something has hit a nerve and the fight part -- anger -- of the fight-or-flight survival response has been triggered.
Just as reminders of past trauma can set off panics and fears, so a reminder of experiences like unfairness, injustice, being bullied or assaulted can spark disproportionate anger. Human Givens therapy can remove the original trauma so you stay calm in these trigger situations. If that isn't available to you, try EMDR, NLP or EFT.
o Spot the danger times. Keeping a diary can show up trends and danger points. Consider building time-out moments into your day. Perhaps a quiet period when you get home from work is crucial to a calm evening, for instance. Look out for low blood sugar -- it can make people very snappy.
Ian came for therapy for anger. Each evening after work, he regularly lost his temper with his partner as he tried to speed her cooking up. It turned out that he was one of those thin, driven, fast metabolism types ... and he'd had nothing to eat since a snatched sandwich, six hours earlier. He was starving for the food she was so slow preparing. Attention to his diet solved the problem.
o Fix daily hassles. Those little things may seem trivial, but take them seriously. They can ratchet up your stress level till you're an explosion waiting to happen.
o Cool down. Let out a long sigh of relief (a great way of gaining some instant relaxation!). And INSTANTLY start counting backwards from 100. After about 15 seconds of that, anger will have weakened.
o Time out. 20 minutes chilling out should restore you to calmness. With emails, texts and phones, it's so often easy to find an excuse to give yourself that crucial calming down time before you respond. And NEVER send angry emails or letters till the next day...
o LISTEN. When you're stressed and angry, you can't think straight and can make misinterpretations. Slow down and LISTEN to what the other person is saying.
o Humour lets you step back from the situation and gain perspective. Imagine yourself and the other person as cartoon characters! If you think they're scum, visualise them as an amoeba. If, like many angry people, you secretly think the world should run the way YOU want it ... picture yourself as a huge, all-powerful superhero!
o Set goals. Each week, plan to get through each day with fewer explosions of rage, exasperation or irritation.
You may be amazed how fast a new, calmer and more effective approach becomes automatic, once you use these techniques to break the anger habit.
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